Yesterday was my birthday, and earlier I wrote a bit about this short life I've had and moments in my life I remember. In that writing I said when I was 15 years old and listening to Nirvana, "I thought killing yourself like Kurt Cobain was cool." I did not mention that I also thought Cobain's drug use was cool. But first, I will say that suicide isn't cool or trendy. And I don't know if Kurt Cobain actually killed himself, because there is contrary evidence, which I have interpreted from a recent documentary, and I'm still not sure. When I saw that Kurt Cobain was trending now because it was his birthday, I recollected that I had once known his birthday was a day after mine, and also I realized that I turned the same age Cobain killed himself. I was reminded that I too have had an increasing feeling of depression from the time I was 15, and at one time I was afraid that my suicidal thoughts were influenced by Kurt Cobain and other musicians that ended up killing them self.
I realized that there have been so many times in my life that have
led me to want to die. Actually once in my life I got into a car
accident and later thought to myself: "I wish I had died that day." That
is the destructive workings of depression. During times when my depression was at its worst, I just wanted to die. Those thoughts and feelings come and go. Although I couldn't imagine a life an additional 27 years, I couldn't imagine ending life when it is connected to so many people that I care for.
Suicidal thoughts don't necessarily have to come from long term
depression, or from trauma, addiction, because some end their life in
certain sudden shocking events. Some people that know they're going to
prison will kill them selves if their crime was particularly
incriminating. Some people will do so like those suicides from Ashley
Madison hack list that revealed people that were paying to have
affairs. But here, I am specifically speaking on a few thoughts and feelings I have about depression and suicide on this topic.
For one I think: "is everybody depressed?" "Does depression affect the masses?" or "is depression so widespread that it's normal or natural?" or "is depression made up?" or "is depression a privileged attitude against actual pain and struggle thrusted on others?" I don't have the answers to those questions, however, I know from speaking with many people with depression, they feel conflicted by having pain that hinders them while other people are trying to flee war torn countries, or citizens that don't have access to shelter or clean drinking water. And, I ask: "do these people call their pain 'depression'?" I have no clue, and I would assume those same people do not think about 'depression' and instead see their situation as 'oppression.'
The opposite of depression seems to be happiness, so I turn to the question if I had it "all" if this would make me
feel complete or happy, or at least the opposite of depression. I wonder
if I had all the things that I consider would make me a complete person
if I would still be depressed. In fact when I hear that celebrities
with fame, fortune, friends, and adventure that have depression or
commit suicide, I think to myself: "oh this will never be the end of it
for me." I go further and ask: maybe life isn't about being happy, and life doesn't require me to be happy to live it. This is my own inner conflict.
Another thing I've realized by speaking with people with depression is that they've tried it "all" to help cure themselves from depression. If you've read any of my writings on this blog, you can probably sense the depression. And, I'm one of these people that have tried it 'all' except prescription drugs (or any pills) and I have never had therapy. I have used hallucinogenic/psychedelic drugs (which have been said to help cure depression and suicidal thoughts and PTSD); but that doesn't help. I tried exercising and doing yoga with the addition of meditation, and that didn't work either. Of course I went Vegan in 2005 when my depression "started", but when I was feeling very depressed years ago, I tried eating more Raw specifically a fruitarian-based diet, with the hope that this would elevate my mood but that didn't help as expected. Some people thought the documentary and book "The Secret" was the answer to overcoming your struggles and barriers in your life.
What I've noticed that helps the most is Sunshine, Nature, and a warm Summer day. Nothing really compares to a lovely Summer day to make me feel whole, complete, or happy. However I found myself last Summer in the throws of depression harder than ever. It's silly, and hard to admit, but last Summer as I was sitting in my garden with all the plants I grew around me, and the sun beaming down on me--I should have felt bliss but instead I was sobbing for weeks. There is one big realization
I made which really pressed me into a breakdown...to the point I wanted
to die. With this realization, I told the people that were closest to
me, so I feel relieved at the moment.
There was a specific reason for the sobbing as mentioned, and I speculate if this 'thing' is part of my depression. But I still say that my depression and others' stems from many personal experiences, attitudes, lifestyle, illness, events, and much more.
One thing that was a tremendous help for me was that I started writing about my narrative and how that creates my sense of identity. So as I was writing out my history, I realized many things about myself
that I had forgotten. One of those things I realized that I had been sexually assaulted in
times of my life, and realized I had anxieties about
these things which affect my personal life.
Of course there are things I write but don't post, and there are things that I think but don't write; but I write at least to write out my pain...like casting it out to the abyss or whatever. Remember that you really don't know a person even when you're the closest person to them. Furthermore, you don't really know how a person is feeling when someone appears well put-together, professional, happy, confident, or successful, because they are human that can still be suffering from pain like anyone else. Remember that you don't have all the answers to those around you who suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts. Remember that this is a sensitive subject, and that you cannot invalidate peoples' pain.